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What It's Like to Not Be Able to Have Sex | Iris

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A short animated film about a woman's experience with vaginismus and chronic pelvic pain - how health professionals have failed her, guys rejected her, and anger and shame plagued her body. Director: Shelby Hadden Producer: Sebastian Bisbal Still haven’t subscribed to Iris on YouTube? ►► http://bit.ly/subthescene About Iris At Iris, our message to women is simple: You are enough. We produce relatable, engaging video that makes our audience laugh, cry, and say, "Yep, that's me." What It's Like to Not Be Able to Have Sex | Iris
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Text Comments (223)
Wildhoney (7 days ago)
Gaaaaaalllyyy! the anime depictions in this story!😬
Coolwow So Cool Gamer (8 days ago)
But I’m a boy
jacob sauce (11 days ago)
There’s still oral sex and that is good enough if your really worried about it
Apps Account (19 days ago)
Similar problem can happen for men. I cannot retract my foreskin because it is extremely sensitive and painful and that is why I am virgin at 38 and perhaps I will have to die virgin too. Please never make fun of people. You don’t know their stories.
Patricia Bartosik (28 days ago)
Great video for everyone's sex life.
Yes or Yes (1 month ago)
*No one wants to be a Virgin in their twenties* Asexual.
Hazelnkd (1 month ago)
DaniKat21 (2 months ago)
Even though I understand why she had to make the choices she did, and I’m glad she’s recovering from it... I didn’t start using tampons till I was well into my 20s I never wear thongs and are more comfortable in “boy shorts” I was a virgin till my husband at age 27 Don’t be afraid to be comfortable whatever that means! You don’t have to conform because everyone says you have to. When it comes to periods though, as women we should always be prepared and DONT let it run your life if you have the choice. Just keep a pad, liner, tampon whatever in your bag always. I really hope this video helps someone with this though.
Sleepy (2 months ago)
Wait.. But can't you just adopt a kiddo? Or would it not be the same? ;-;
Shmikleshmackle0304 (2 months ago)
Thank you for sharing this ❤️
Mary Christmas (2 months ago)
Shelby, how are gynecologist visits now? I think the pap smear is my biggest hurdle and they're so important.
Marisolms96 (2 months ago)
Yayyyy!!! She had sex.!!! I loveddddd this video so much.!!
Sachin Mannil (2 months ago)
This is such a well produced video. More people need to be educated about this. Thank you sharing. :)
Lee Ann Hong (3 months ago)
I can kind of relate to that feeling, fearing that people won't love you or want to be with you because you don't have or can't do something that others can. I have something called alopecia, I'm about 19 years old and that is a conditon where my hair sheads in large chunks for no reason. As a young girl I identify myself by my hair. And to have to worry about balding, I feel embarrassed at times like a freak. I've been dealing with that autoimmune disease since I was about the 6th grade going though cycles of it growing back and hoping things will get better, then losing it again. It killed my confidence and sometimes I really do worry who want to be with someone young and constantly balding. I feel at times vulnerable and ugly, and even guilty for feeling bad for myself. Because what I have does it make me sick physically, it only hurts me mentally. I know mine isn't as serious as yours, but I can really relate to that feeling of worrying you won't find anyone who will love you. Right now there isn't much I can do about what I have, besides to accept that I have it and learn to love myself even if I don't think many will.
willow teal (3 months ago)
Thank you for this I have endometriosis and can't have sex because of pain as well and I feel so isolated and this helped a lot
AnneTheKitten12 :P (4 months ago)
It's weird you want to do that. I do not want to get married and all that crap I'm a be a Virgin for my whole life you just watch haha 8:18 it's me XD so many cats :D
Maria Jensen (4 months ago)
My boyfriend and I haven't had sex yet which is terrible because i do very much want him. But it's just like you said. Every time anything touches that party of my body or i think about it.. I tighten up completely.. And i have cried about it so many times because i love him and we have been a couple for several years and i don't know what to do.. Because he is so patient with me but I can't do it.. And idk I feel so lost.
Maria Jensen (2 months ago)
+anotherlemontree Thanks for your kind words anyways 😊
anotherlemontree (2 months ago)
It's so tough, isn't it. I'm in a similar situation with my partner of 18 months. He's understanding, but I know it's affecting him, which in turn affects me further and makes me feel even more helpless and isolated. I'm sorry I don't have any help to offer you, except to let you know that you're not alone. I hope you find the support you need.
Milca Matie (4 months ago)
Ok I argue with the message being sent to all young girls around the world with this video . Wrong messages are being sent
Just Me (4 months ago)
I suffer from vulvo dynia, another condition which makes insertion painful and non-achievable. I notice a lot of responses saying, "What's the big deal?" or "sex isn't everything in a relationship" "you can do other things besides penetration." These comments are very easy to make when you do not suffer from something like this. I WANT to have sex. I WANT penetration. I WANT to use something other than pads. Sex DOES matter to us. It's one of our most natural urges, and to have that taken away from you leaves you feeling broken. Not to mention getting pelvic exams. There's a possibility that you can't treat these conditions, and may never be pain-free. So please, have empathy. It's an awful experience to have. Thank you for sharing your story Shelby. It gives me hope that one day I might reach my goals as you have.
Marie marie (1 month ago)
Just Me same yet I continue to have my partner force his penis inside figure eventually it will get better but it hurts and it is emberassing and my fiance is hurt because he feels bad for hurting me people who dont suffer from this have no idea what it is like :(
CupcakeGhost (4 months ago)
I had a friend with a very similar problem. Not sure if it was as severe as this but she couldn't do anything with her boyfriend because of it. It took months of intimacy and working together before they where ever able to "have sex". Don't get too discouraged if this is happening to you, and make sure your partner is willing to help and loving!
Denisha Lovell (4 months ago)
I love this. I never thought about how that one body part could have so much influence over your entire life and your sense of self.
Hannah Rose (4 months ago)
OH MY GOD I FEEL THIS SO HARD IM LITERALLY CRYING. This video honestly has helped me so much. To see that you are older than me but have managed to live through this. It’s truly inspiring. I will now be turning to this video when ever I’m having one of my bad days. Thank you so so much. I’ve never heard anybody with such a similar story as me. I’m so happy to see that I’m not the only one. I cannot thank you enough. So I’m 16 and I have what the doctors say is pelvic floor dysfunction. I have all of these symptoms and oh my god they’re the actual worst. I have these symptoms but I’m also unable to urinate. I can’t go pee more than twice a day. I will sit on the toilet after five bottles of water and it just won’t happen. Due to this, I basically live with a constant severe UTI since the urine is always sitting in my bladder with no place to go. I also had a boyfriend for three years who had multiple experiences with sex before me. I never felt good enough for him. He said it was fine but after a while he finally gave up on me after trying multiple times to actually have sex with me. We broke up because he wasn’t satisfied in our relationship. This has obviously fucked me up. I go to physical therapy now on a weekly basis. I have 4 more weeks until my doctors are taking me out of the therapy due to the lack of results. We’re going to try instills with medication that’s meant to relax my muscles. If that doesn’t work either, I will need to live with a catheter. A 16 year old girl with a bag of her own piss constantly around my thigh. Lovely.
Geeta Bhandari (4 months ago)
I am like her, I don't like these type of things.
Beautiful Queen (4 months ago)
Never heard of someone like this and pads are better and also I would have bought a toy and kept practicing not going to doctors and what kinda friends just sit around taking about sex life smh anyway I hope you are able to have sex now and kids
Elizabeth Johnson (4 months ago)
This brought tears to my eyes. I am 18. I've had vaginismus since I started my period at 12. My gyno said I will have to have surgery to manually break my hymen and physical therapy to relieve the vaginismus. It's terrifying to think that I have to go through all that before I can have sex. I just hope, when the time comes, I can find someone who is patient and loving about it.
Ana Medina Fetterman (2 months ago)
Theres a really cool reddit called "vaginismus" you should check out it out--lots of people talking about their experiences with this issue.
emo trash (5 months ago)
The candle thing um what the fuck
Petrescu Radu (5 months ago)
This movie is about me, how did youtube now?
Kelly Dreams (5 months ago)
I feel bad for the Girl 🙁🙁🙁
eacorion (5 months ago)
So as a guy I got rejected as well for not having sleeped with a girl before, I got realy picky in who I let in my life and who not, I think this is the only positive thing.
Marie marie (1 month ago)
eacorion thats only a positive thing trust me! I was virgin until 29 and my fiance younger then me was also one we both were happy it turned out this way
Vera Balmont (5 months ago)
Thank you for this
Sam Ostara (5 months ago)
Sex doesn’t require penetration
SimsGirl4Ever (5 months ago)
Michał Jastrzębski- I’m sure that vaginal penetration is fun for you. I just wish that it wasn’t an automatic requirement when it comes to heterosexual sex. Some women aren’t into anal, oral, etc. and that’s fine, but it’s apparently unacceptable to be open to other types of sex and just not vaginal.
Michał Jastrzębski (5 months ago)
+SimsGirl4Ever well, for us its THE primary source of stimulation. We have different needs than you.
SimsGirl4Ever (5 months ago)
Most heterosexual men seem to think that it does.
Neila Madison (5 months ago)
This was amazing!
criticalhard (5 months ago)
So this is basically all about sex? pathetic. this is about a normal girl who wanted to be a whore.
Why do you say women with vaginismus cannot have sex? What about oral sex and touching each other different ways? Doesn't it count? Isn't it sex? Surely it is. (Vaginismus is my problem too. I personally don't have problem with finding a partner and being in long relationship. We're just having non-penetrating sex.)
Ana Medina Fetterman (2 months ago)
My view is that there are MANY different kinds of sex, and that, as a woman, many of them are just, if not more enjoyable. However, in a society where sex is very male-centric, many people believe penetrative sex to be the "main act" for heterosexual couples and everything else just foreplay. Likewise, the male orgasm sometimes seems to be the finishing act for sex. This is not my attitude at all (even after recovery), but this pressure is often very isolating and hurtful. I'm so glad to hear that you have had so many supportive partners. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. I would say more partners than not have reacted to me very negatively, entitled to my body, and sometimes have just left and decided they did not want to date me. Sometimes, it felt like I never would have known how much of a jerk someone was without this issue--that so many people have trouble separating sex from a deep emotional and caring relationship (in which sex can play a part but should not be the only focus).
Kitty Cat (6 months ago)
I know how you feel i have the same thing
Zoé Alessia (6 months ago)
i really hope that a relationship isn't build of sex
Zoé Alessia (6 months ago)
and now i'm scared of myself
Zoé Alessia (6 months ago)
but this video is full of courage tho
Kiwecy Wright (6 months ago)
Sex is apart of life IT CREATES LIFE it's also a pleasureful form of activity....watching this is very informative and sad
Iqra Taylor (6 months ago)
I lost my virginity at 13
shawn belton (6 months ago)
try anal?
Ana Medina Fetterman (2 months ago)
Anal sex uses the same muscles; that wouldn't be a solution
Bill Furler (7 months ago)
i have a micropenis. Unfortunately its not like vaginismus that can be treated with phsyical therapy. its something that cannot be changed. Im 16 and i know ill always be single.
Marie marie (1 month ago)
Bill Furler please don’t think that you will find someone there is someone out there for everyone even people who are asexual and do not want sex get to find a partner. Micropenis is not the end of the world, my fiance and I are best friends above anything else if we could never have sex I would still remain with him because love isn’t sex it is so much more then that. Besides men with a micro penis are still able to have sex it will just be more of a challenge and sex is a challenge in itself suppose to be fun and awkward
bella (4 months ago)
Mate, sex is not just about penetration, trust me. You will feel deep soul connection while just gazing eyes.
eacorion (5 months ago)
+Peter Riches Hey Peter, wise words you wrote down here.
Peter Riches (5 months ago)
Mate, my heart goes out to you. Yes, it will probably be harder for you to find your life partner, but it will never be out of the question. Society is making a lot of progress on diversity and acceptance. (Although there are certain festering pockets of haters out there.) I've been married for 17 years. Most of the time that my wife and I spend together, we're just doing ordinary things - shopping, watching telly, talking. 99% of being in a relationship involves being there, giving love, making that connection and being best friends; and it's the most important 99%, too! Let's face it, all penises are pretty ridiculous looking things - the ancient Greeks used to minimise their size in their statues of "ideal" men. (I'm definitely not trying to make your very real pain sound illegitimate here, BTW.) I'm just trying to say you need friendship with your life partner above all else, so to find your life partner, you need to meet people and like them; like being with them, and interact with them in an enjoyable way. Find people of all genders, races and types who you share values with and hang out doing things you like doing, firstly because it's fun and you won't feel so alone and the time will pass quicker; secondly, because you'll have an accepting support network, which everybody needs; and lastly, because it's only by meeting and getting to know lots of people that you'll eventually meet that one person who cannot imagine ever being without you. Then you just love them with all your heart, touch them with all your body and support them with all your might. Sex is sharing affectionate touches that feel nice. There is no rule that plug A goes in socket B. You're making love, not assembling a closet! What you stumble upon on the Internet is entertainment, not education. Sure, you need to know the basics of how to keep each other safe, but since every couple is different, you mostly teach each other what feels nice, and you have a giggle learning from each other at the speed and level that is comfortable to both of you. It's not about conformity, it's about intimacy. When you're ready, be shameless with your body, and honorable with your heart. Time, and your friends are on your side. (I may have made some assumptions here about your situation - please don't get angry - maybe I'm just writing to my own 16-year-old self, because there are many reasons 16-year-old people delude themselves into thinking they're unlovable when they surely aren't.)
M. Kedra (5 months ago)
Please keep in mind that you can have sex. Sex is not only penetration!
Princess Osondu (7 months ago)
this is my problem ryt now
Thomas Bradly (4 months ago)
Ilaria Marchese (7 months ago)
Thank you for making this film. It's inspiring!
Khadija Elboushi (7 months ago)
Pads are better tampons may lead to TSS
Natural J (7 months ago)
*No one wants to be a virgin in their twenties* I beg to differ....
Michał Jastrzębski (5 months ago)
yeah, that part is not exactly correct...
daddyleon (5 months ago)
Live can be easier if you don't see everything as totally literal all the time ;) I got the sense this was meant a bit hyperbole.
BTS lover (7 months ago)
Kristall McSexy (8 months ago)
I didn’t understand why she isn’t able to have sex
JT Block (3 months ago)
her vagina is too tight for a penis to fit in
SimsGirl4Ever (5 months ago)
It's because the vagina and surrounding muscles don't relax enough to comfortably allow penetration. After she went to pelvic physical therapy and trained her muscles to relax with the use of dilators, she was able to have sex.
Faiha Naseem (8 months ago)
Why the monster vajeejee left her legs
daddyleon (5 months ago)
So she can't run away?? Very nasty and devious those toothed, malevolent vaginas...
Rj Dafinesser (8 months ago)
I wish she was real so bad. I have nobody do relate to. Ive been paralyzed for 3 years and cant ever have sex again i really need somebody to reach out. I kno relationships are far fetched for me but i just NEED someone to care
Manoj Kumar (5 months ago)
Hey hope you have a good day
Heyiam Nurul (8 months ago)
Liz M (8 months ago)
I'm guessing that the treatment for this is not covered by most health plans but erection drugs are. Thank you for sharing your story.
انا اتكلم عربي وانتم e
Chris James (1 month ago)
I agree, but don't make it a M vs F thing. ED is also anywhere from two to eight times more prevalent (depending on what study you read) than vaginismus. However where I am from, whether it is vaginismus, or ED or whatever it is all covered for free. So the real question is why does the USA still not have free healthcare for all, when the vast vast majority of other developed nations do.
Ana Medina Fetterman (2 months ago)
Physical therapy is, but yes a lot of drugs and treatments related to it are not. Botox is highly effective and has not been approved for this use by the FDA and can cost women 5000k to have done. Dilators are often not cheap either! Where I currently live, I've been unable to find any psychologist who is "sex-certified" meaning they know about these issues who takes insurance at all. Women's health has never been as accessible as it should be!
Misbah Sayyed Ali (8 months ago)
Being a virgin is'nt a curse and you know being intimate with an asshole is better to be virgin for a lifelong .
Coconut Agar (8 months ago)
What is This?
Tea R. (8 months ago)
Gurl just start using toys and then gradualy bild up to an og penis
Andiamo Amore (8 months ago)
That‘s so overreacted omg you can have kids without a dick you can have love without sex and you can easily use pads instead of tampons ... omg
Ashlyn Reeves (8 months ago)
This is so powerful. Thank you for this.
Taylor Mcafee (8 months ago)
I’m crying because this has literally been my entire life... and everyday I live with this fear that I’ll never ever find anybody to love me because of it. And it never helped that of all of my friends I’ve never been in a relationship. I can never join in on any of the sex chats. No matter how hard I tried when it came to sex it only lead to embarrassment and disappointment. People have always been so baffled by my disinterest in sex and I never found the proper way to explain it. So I am so grateful for this video... and I pray one day I’ll find a way to get over this
anonymous anonymous (8 months ago)
I feel you💯😢... Hope so too
Peachy Potatoes (8 months ago)
I use pads.
Lord Manatee (8 months ago)
At least Jesus is proud of you
Lord Manatee (8 months ago)
What, women finally know what's it's like to have undesirable sex organs that you have to hide from everyone?! At least she could fix hers?
Pingo_Pongo (8 months ago)
My mom said that your vagina only does that as a defense thing to try and prevent being raped
Coma Dreja (8 months ago)
I just lost my virginity at 29. It wasn’t due to vaginismus or any other health condition. And, although it was special in various ways, it wasn’t the highlight of my life. Please don’t ever feel embarrassed to be a virgin, regardless of the reason. You have the power to value yourself.
Susan Sue (8 months ago)
sex doesn't make a relationship.... ...
Michał Jastrzębski (5 months ago)
but it breaks it very easily. Relationship is like a tripod (sex, partnership, friendship). Take one of legs out, and it will fall down.
daddyleon (5 months ago)
But it does often help...lubricate (?) a relationship. (Okay, pun intended.)
Wilmer Francois (8 months ago)
Soy boys are a good option
Marie marie (1 month ago)
Wilmer Francois hahaha well I suffer from this and with a national socialist he’s a good man and patient with me communist ex left me soon as he found out my virgin ass was scared
The Pretzel (8 months ago)
I'm crying now 😭😭❤
asseater007 (8 months ago)
Is it just me or is she mad extra about this? Also, what is it with white women and tampons? Majority of my friends and myself included don’t use tampons, or rarely use them (were black). Pads are easier, less dangerous (in terms of toxic shock) and a hell of a lot more comfortable. The only time I use tampons was when I’m at the beach/pool or when I used to play sports in high school.
JT Block (3 months ago)
how is she being extra nd what does being black have to do w anything u sound stupid lmfao
Alesha Alexcee (6 months ago)
I’m black and have this condition, so she’s not “extra.” Gtfooh smh
It's easy to be calm about this when you don't have a problem. But when you deal with pain, when you're being judged by people or just get that look "oh you're poor thing" (that is just another type of fun) and have to visit all those doctors (not a joyful experience either) it's hard not to get extra mad in just wanting to be ok and live a normal life
Taylor Mcafee (8 months ago)
And as far as the tampon thing goes... the fact that you even have the option of wearing one is something she and I can’t relate to. I tried wearing a tampon on multiple occasions and have never been able to make it work. The first time I tried using one I cried. I can’t just go to the beach or a pool or even on vacation whenever I want to and have to plan my entire life around when my period will come. It’s a bitch.
Taylor Mcafee (8 months ago)
asseater007 Mad extra? As someone who has never EVER found sex enjoyable and always wondered if there was something absolutely wrong with me I found this not only informative but comforting as well. Obviously as someone who has never had to nor ever will experience this you can’t understand just how embarrassing and devastating it can be. To have to explain it to people you’re interested in... to be embarrassed and have to stop midway while attempting to have sex... to feel like a monster for not being “normal”. Imagine trying to be in a relationship and having to explain to your partner that having sex feels like a knife being inserted into your vagina. It’s hard to even convince yourself that dating like a normal person is possible.
Aure magik (8 months ago)
This video is really important. I cry so much when I watched it at Annecy. THANK YOU.
Praxedes Mubanga (8 months ago)
Praxedes Mubanga (8 months ago)
Rony Henry (8 months ago)
at least her vagina is tight👌
DragonJane 642 (8 months ago)
I feel sorry for her
Black Rose (8 months ago)
7:45 you know asexuals exist right? I know that you obviously feel very connected to sex and love which is all good and okay but it's kinda disheartening to watch a video on a whim and just get ignored again
Ana Medina Fetterman (2 months ago)
+Black Rose I second this! The point of the video, and any of us who have gone through, usually isn't the value we place on sex (TBH, I prefer many other kinds of sex and/or affection over sex period), but that feeling that you aren't good enough or that someone thinks that they can only care about you romantically with sex, otherwise you won't be enough. I am not asexual, but feel that maybe we have similar frustrations with dating and/or the expectations that are put upon us are far as being "womanly" or "manly" enough. This condition may sound trivial to other people (after all, you can still work or go to school etc), but unfortunately with the way society values sex so highly, it ends up permeating into all these facets of your life when you never thought that was possible. Many of us are just longing to feel normal and not as isolated, and are disillusioned by some of the reactions we've gotten from family members, friends, and significant others when we try to talk about it.
daddyleon (5 months ago)
+I hate autistic FNAF fans[XxNormieSlayerxX] Scientifically we call that: dead wrong and having a dick attitude.
Asexuals don't exist, you're either straight, homosexual, or single.
Black Rose (7 months ago)
+Toast Thank you for the informative reply, it's really appreciated. I hope you have family and/or friends supporting you with your struggles. I sympathise with you because it must feel so saddening to want to be intimate with someone and not be able too. We may not be going through the same thing but it's good to be able to relate to someone, even a little bit, outside our respective communities.
Toast (7 months ago)
Hello, I have vaginismus but I'm not asexual but I feel like because of my condition I understand a lot of struggles asexuals go through. It's not a fact of people with vaginismus connecting sex and love. Rather its about society telling us so and telling us we are useless because we can't, it's a constant struggle for people with this to unlearn what society has pushed on us about sex and love. I know ace people have the same stuggles of people seeing relationships as strictly sexual. Another internal struggle we face along with people seeing us less than women (those of us who id as woman. A lot of information online uses fairly transphobic language)
Slaying Gacha Goddess (8 months ago)
When 3:02 came I was like 😨
Alice Baskerville (8 months ago)
Whats wrong with being a virgin in twenties This wrong culture of yoy have to lose it is so wrong, a girl ends up losing it and doing it with tons of guys until nothing of her soul is left This girl didnt jave sex only because she had a disease but she knew it was a blessing
ItsMeSofie (8 months ago)
This video is so important for young girls and women in general to see.Thank you Shelby for being so brave and strong and for sharing your story to raise awareness.
Nye Nyeeuuw (8 months ago)
Girl, you may worry your sex life is over but you always have your clitoris and trust me that shit is more powerful than having sex 😂 and you have masturbation and you can help your man do his thing. It's basically the same
Bailey James (8 months ago)
Really great video, and a story told so bravely - super relatable as someone who suffered from vaginismus for 10 years before finally getting proper treatment for it. If anyone here is seeking treatment for Vaginismus themselves (and especially if they haven't had luck with dilators or pelvic floor specialists), I got the botox treatment at Maze Women's Health Clinic, which has an office in the New York City area. The botox treatment happens under anesthesia, so if you've never been able to insert anything, it's a treatment that can break the pain/anxiety cycle for good. I'd highly recommend giving them a call (they give free phone consultations) or looking into the procedure more if you suffer from vaginismus - like Shelby found, it's FULLY curable and doesn't have to last forever! You can read more about the botox procedure on their website: https://www.mazewomenshealth.com/painful-sex-vaginal-pain/vaginismus-treatment-under-anesthesia/
Bailey James (8 months ago)
Tayor it was in the neighborhood of $6,000, but insurance didn't cover any of it for me. I'd give them a call to discuss your individual financial situation, they can often work something out.
Taylor Mcafee (8 months ago)
Bailey James how much did it cost?
Hullo I have a question (8 months ago)
Ravay Zoglman (8 months ago)
this hurt so much to watch :( poor girl
Amy K Golden-Hawkins (7 months ago)
I have a friend with this named "D" I had tried to help her the best I could but in the 1990s there was't much info out there. I thought "D" had low estrogen because her identical twin sister "B"was the opposite (tho "B" did wait til she got married at 30yrs old to first have sex.) All 3 of us are in the medical field too. "D" married a very patient man and it took her a year & a half to consummate the marriage. They hardly had sex because she also generally had no interest in it. After 15 yrs of marriage it was a miracle she got pregnant. Her words not mine. Then we were pregnant together on our 2nd children. I never knew a physical therapist could help vaginal muscles. I have had many but stayed with the same one for 2 1/2yrs. I was paralyzed in a tornado as I laid on top of my young boys. Anywho- my therapist is awesome and when I'm in too much pain to do exercises she will give me the best back massage. I wish you all the best on your life journey ❤️ By the way- any girl who waits to have sex is a very strong girl to me. They should be looked up to & not ridiculed.
JustInEnglish ASMR (8 months ago)
Whaou. I can relate so much to the tampon and doctors episodes. I was not diagnosed with vaginism but with dyspareunia which is the term for chronic pain during sex for men and women. [Dyspareunia is a symptom of vaginism.] In my case, it means that I can put a tampon or be penetrated but it is painful as hell. I cannot put a tampon more than 5 minutes (and it was really difficult). Each and every time I had sex for almost 3 years I have had the impression I was experiencing my first time again and again and again.... Two fingers are too much. You can imagine that my libido decreased. I also questioned myself if I had been abused or raped and if I held it back. (Thankfully the answer is no but still I am wary towards men. I need to find out why and resolve this issue). Why can I not have sex normally as my friends do? What's wrong with me? Am I crazy? There is a huge psychological impact that doctors cannot guess and a certain anxiety for not always being the perfect girlfriend. My boyfriend is very kind and patient but I have a pressure and an impression that I cannot give what I want to give him. It has built tension and frustration in our relationship which I am sure would have never been there if our sex life were ok. The worst episodes were when I visited diverse gynecologists (4 exactly) for this specific problem. They, of course, wanted to check if I had any medical problems down there so I had to face THE Speculum (google it). First, it was scary and secondly : Holy Cow! How can they insert a bigger thing than a penis? Plus, I'm not even excited! That will hurt. Yes, it was painful, more than usual. Doctors were gentle and understanding but they didn't find anything. Neither, at the normal and vagina ultrasound scans or by cervical/pap smears/tests. At the last appointment with my gynecologist, she told me I had to get a MRI to check if I have endometriosis and to see a sexologist which I will do. I hope it is only a psychological problem... Then, I thought that perhaps I don't control my muscles like the perineum correctly. So I found on the internet that while peeing you can train your muscles. For several weeks now I've been tensing/flexing and then relaxing my perineum when I pee. It basically consists of peeing jerkily: you pee, you hold it, you pee, you hold it and so on... Yeah, I know it is not a nice picture 😕 My result is that during the last intercourse with my boyfriend it hurt but a little bit less than before. There is hope 😁 I also have to break this mental vicious circle that intercourse is inevitably painful and I will also see a sexologist because I want to enjoy sex wholeheartedly. Another gynecologist advised me vaginal dilator set that some companies sell on the net. One of his patient complained for many years of painful sex and it was in her forties that she found what worked for her. I've read that it seems to be very useful against dyspaneunia, vaginism, vaginal stenosis after radiation therapy and post-surgeries like for transgender people for instance. Nonetheless, I havn't tested yet. MORE IMPORTANTLY, I've also read many testimonies of women that vaginism CAN be cured. Finally, I will advise my fellow dyspaneuria/vaginism women to see your doctor as soon as you can. Waiting is a waste of time. See your doctor because sometimes pain is due to a merely infection or illness that can be cured with a pill. You have to dismiss physical explanation first. Don't stay with your sufferings talk to a professional your GP, your gynecologist and/or an sexologist. Good luck❤ I tried my best explaining as clearly as possible I'm not a native English speaker.
Marie marie (1 month ago)
I have the same thing sex hurts so badly I was virgin until 29 then lost in on my engagement night but ever since my partner and I are now intimate and I am excited it doesnt matter the first few pushes when he puts it in I scream with pain :( I havent been to any doctor feel to emberassed...
Danika Viola (5 months ago)
Hi there! I'm a pelvic floor therapist! Please please PLEASE don't just contract those muscles to stop peeing. Dyspareunia typically causes an overactive pelvic floor, and needs to learn to how to relax in order for those muscles to lengthen. If you contract them over and over again,you're going to make your pelvic floor even tighter and that is NOT a good idea! The best advice would be to see a pelvic floor therapist. We don't use speculums or anything like that, and we see patients with dyspareunia as well as vaginismus ALL THE TIME! We can really help significantly reduce that pain. If you don't have pelvic floor OTs or PTs in your area, work on taking deep breaths and every time you inhale, relax your pelvic floor muscles as much as possible. Do this when peeing and pooping as well! But seeing a pelvic floor therapist would be the most beneficial. Also, just a fun fact: the perineum isn't a muscles- it's just fibrous tissue! ☺️
Near-Fly [Chiaki] (8 months ago)
JustInEnglish ASMR I'm exactly like you. And I have a boyfriend too. Good luck , maybe one day, everything is gonna be okay. 💖💪
Jenni Kastinger (8 months ago)
This is made very beautifully ♥
I don't even know where to begin with this: it is SO beautifully done and resonates deeply, even as someone without vaginismus but with a whole lot of other body stuff. THANK YOU for sharing this. I emailed it to my pelvic floor PT and a bunch of friends. That feeling of engaging muscles you aren't connected to? The shame about not being able to participate in "normal" activities? WHEW. I feel that so so deeply. As a fun side effect, thank you for affirming the necessity of my work in this world to help women find freedom in pleasure whether or not penetrative sex is an option for them. SO MUCH LOVE to you. Thank you for creating this and sharing your story and your heart. <3
Margo Johnson (8 months ago)
What a beautiful & wonderful video, Shelby!!! It's too familiar - I suffered from pain with sex (vaginismus) too until I visited Maze Women's Health (www.mazewomenshealth.com/maze_womens/sexual_health‎) and, like you, worked with a NP with dilators of increasing size to train my muscles ~down there~ to achieve painless penetration :) I can't recommend them enough! Anyone suffering with any amount of pain with insertion should at least check out Maze's website & look through their resources. If you're not in the area, search other pelvic physical therapists in your area. Maze also has a forum (https://www.mazewomenshealth.com/forums/forum/vaginismus/) for those going through this, their significant others/support, anyone who wants to learn more; you can ask questions about dilating/other treatment options or just talk about what you're going through!
Margo Johnson (8 months ago)
This looks like an ad but it's not - just want others to seek help so they don't have to go through this like us! Maze Women's Health worked for me but there are others too - google pelvic physical therapists and/or talk to a doctor about using vaginal dilators! Look through Maze's website for other options like their botox procedure (haven't been through it but I've read about it on the forums & it seems like a good option for many)
Hannah Smiles (8 months ago)
She deserves so much love
val hilario (8 months ago)
loved thisss!
Hi I’m Lilli (8 months ago)
Hey at least u don’t have to waist time with jerks who won’t except u for who u r right?💖💖💖it’ll get better and soon you’ll be a able to loose ur virginity if u keep trying and never give up
daddyleon (5 months ago)
No-one has to...but sadly it happens a lot :-/ At the end of the video it tells us she fell in love and already had sex: success!!
Hi I’m Lilli (8 months ago)
It sounds bad but I didn’t mean it like that...I think
Thee Mademoiselle (8 months ago)
This is so deep
John Smith (8 months ago)
No mention of the sexual assault that more than likely led to this?
Marie marie (1 month ago)
John Smith I have this and suffered a sexual assault which made it worse but did not cause it. My partner is very gentle and we will eventually be able to it is just very frustrating
JustInEnglish ASMR (8 months ago)
Vaginism can be a consequence of sexual assault but mainly it is not.
Shelby Hadden (8 months ago)
Sexual assault is not THE cause of pelvic floor dysfunction. Some people just have it. 25% of women will have PFD at some point in their lives. It can also come about because of hormonal changes, pregnancy/birth, etc.
Elizabeth L. (8 months ago)
I have the same disorder and haven't been assaulted. Sometimes it just...happens. Though I'm sure some women who HAVE been assaulted can identify with us; I can imagine how it might make a person tense up enough to prevent penetration.
MrLardax (8 months ago)
What about anal?
Laura Fertile (8 months ago)
When she had to tell him to stop three times, my heart rate went UP.
Diana Nyenga (5 months ago)
Laura Fertile same
Zix Zizia (7 months ago)
Jennifer’s Subliminals (8 months ago)
SAME. So glad it went a different way, but once needs to be enough.
Sydney Salgado (8 months ago)
Ms Jay (8 months ago)
I cringed when they had to show her inserting tampons and than a candle....STOP! 😣😭
Hyppie (3 months ago)
Why is it cringy?
sarahwithstars (8 months ago)
Even though this was a sharing of an individual story, I can't help but think it does not move the viewer forward. What will a viewer now do differently because they have seen this? I don't know any more about how this young lady does of doesn't want to be treated. If I had this condition I havn't been signposted to medical help or psychological support or reassurance out been given ideas as to what to say to a guy who wants to have sex with me or advised on how to broach the subject with friends.... This was an opportunity to educate or to reassure other sufferers. But it was just an "I want but I can't" video in the end. It even did a great job at further reinforcing that there is something 'wrong' with being a virgin into your twenties! There isn't. the overly harsh and frustrated inner monologue of chronic illness&disability is even more abusive and isolating than any other person could possibly be! And yes it was good to highlight potential damage that clumsy insults and bad experiences can do to people, but raising awareness shouldn't be about inducing pity- it should be about informing and empowering all involved Where was "you don't need to be having sex in order to be having a meaningful or deep relationship with someone" Where was "alongside physical therapy, see a clinical psychologist to help deal with the stress and emotional triggers of tension and any anxieties you may have around sex" Where was "you are your own normal and perfect as you are. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't deserve you" And if you feel alienated by the conversations your friends have, then talk to them and I'm sure they will try to be more sensitive and less tactless in their timing of their blow by blow sex accounts. This film COULD have been so powerful and therefore important
Jade Legault-trudeau (8 months ago)
Settling for ''sex isn't everything'' is not the solution.. sure it's true, there are other great things in life other than sex...but vaginismus does not only affect sex life. It affects much more, and also.. Living a life where you might want to have sex/have children but you can't because of excruciating pain? ''Sex isn't everything'' honestly doesn't do it. Thank you for this video...I have chills, it feels like you're in my head. It feels great not to be alone. Thank you.
jdjsis vhgv (8 months ago)
I'm Virgin , My religion doesn't allow me to have sex until marriage , I'm glad , plus I can't understand the guy who said that it was hilarious and u being ashamed of urself because of that
bella (4 months ago)
My boyfriend really respect our relationship. and he's one of a kind, he really loves me, that he promised that he'll never have sex with me until we marry, he said that he really want to have sex, but he's so caring... good man exist :)
criticalhard (5 months ago)
If a religious people can see it then this poor girl on the video was blind or dumb.
Amy K Golden-Hawkins (7 months ago)
jdjsis vhgv - I agree. Sex isn't the whole relationship but 15-60min of the day and 1-3times a week. Wishing you the best & true relationships life has to offer
Amy K Golden-Hawkins (8 months ago)
jdjsis vhgv - 😘
jdjsis vhgv (8 months ago)
+Amy K Golden-Hawkins thank u love u too , but I don't find it hard at all , the only hard is getting a pure bf , cuz they always want to get to bed , I think some guys get gfs just to sleep with them , plus I never worry about waking up next to a stranger haha
Shai Smith (8 months ago)
Crying 😭
Young Sandwich (8 months ago)
Not sure why this was in my recommended feed...
Michał Jastrzębski (5 months ago)
+criticalhard not to blow your bubble but go and ask an obgyn or a psychiatrist: healthy sexuality is an important if you want to have a happy, healthy life. Not everything starts and stops with women in science and maths.
criticalhard (5 months ago)
+Elizabeth L. It isnt. Sex isn't important, when i see a video about women studying mth and science then i'll see something really importsnt, not this whore-ism video.
Elizabeth L. (8 months ago)
It's important though.
K. AdFinity (8 months ago)
My partner had vaginism, and its been beautifull showing her patience and love. Making love with her is the most amazing one can hope for. Making her calm (for she wishes to push over her limits by force) has been a gift for both of us since we perceive lovemaking now on a whole different level. We focus now more on the cravings and needs of our bodies and so are more in the moment than before. Our trust into another in lovmaking is our rolemodel to our whole relationship and it feels so rewarding in both
bella (4 months ago)
aww that's beautiful
Amy K Golden-Hawkins (8 months ago)
K. AdFinity - ❤️ how beautiful. Thanks for sharing. You sound like a very patient and loving man.
Susan Bernard (8 months ago)
Great video! Another option is the botox treatment at Maze Women's Health. A close friend suffered for years before going there and she can't say enough about the experience. They also deal with the emotional issues and the fear which she felt was so important to her healing process. Bringing awareness to this is so important!!

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